33

This has been a bad week. Just plain bad.
I wish I could tell you 17 good reasons why my week was bad. Like, I was sick, I locked my keys in my car, I lost my job, etc. But I have none of those to hang my " funk " on.

I have a few ideas of what could be causing it, but am not sure any 1 can be fixed soon, or at all.

I am beginning to realize how alone I really am. Not looking for pity here, but this is just a fact. I have very few friends, tons of acquaintences, but very few real friends. Not one person knows everything about me. That is by design. I don't really like who I am these days. I am sad, and quick to tears, and I can't explain why.

I think I am starting to hold the weight of my families future on my shoulders. More discussions that I want to admit have dealt with "when that happens" kinda topics. My role and knowledge around that subject is greater than I ever wanted. However, as the single one, it has fallen on me. I don't want it, but can't say that as it will bring disappointment and frustration to others. I would rather deal with the stress myself than bring any more stress to others.

My lack of "social" as my dad would call it is also slightly below depressing, and rapidly dropping. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents a ton, I really do. I am over there a great deal, and am grateful to be able to help them with random things from computer issues to vaccuuming. I rarely have anything worth discussing with them, other than work. I was asked this past week if I had had any "social"( This was on thrusday night). I thought, OF COURSE NOT. I was here with yall on Monday, Wednesday, and here again Thurday.

Many times it is my own choice to go over there, as it is better than going home and being alone with my thoughts. So, I don't want it to seem like this is all because they ask, and I refuse to say no. It is becoming more apparent to me, even as a I type that I go in an effort to avoid being alone with my thoughts. It is an escape mechanism. But what am I escaping?

This weekend has shown me how sad things are. Friday night, I picked up fast food, and took tylenol pm to help me sleep...at 7:00PM. I was in bed until 12:30 today. I got up and went to meet my friend to watch the mavericks game. That killed 4 hours. Then, back to the drive thu and home again. My only plans for Sunday include sleeping in, going to dog park, and hopefully the driving range. That is it. My life consists of 1 very good friend, my parents, and my dog.

wow. this is not where i thought I would be at 33.